i seem to be rather emotional right now. im not accustomed to this whole emotional scene.
mostly im okay. but there seem to be these sudden outbursts of tears.
its really unsettling, especially for me. haha.
fortunately, ive been able to mostly prevent myself from crying in public. although the occassional tear slips out.
i consider it to be extremely embarassing to cry in front of strangers. and even more embarassing to cry in front of friends or family... unless everyone is crying, then its okay.
but my biggest fear is someone (esp a stranger) noticing and then asking me what is wrong.
of course, what i most need is someone (preferably a friend or family) to notice and ask me what is wrong. even if id just deny everything.
anyway, im not good with being vulnerable. only alone, in my room, with a pen and paper handy. otherwise, i have this hard exterior shell that i use to protect my mushy insides from predators and mean girls.
right now i kind of feel like im gonna have to find a new group of friends.
not because mine suck. they dont.
actually, its because they are so wonderful, and they are all trying so hard to welcome LOMs new girl that it hurts my feelers.
stupid feelers.
and even when it has nothing to do with the new girl my feelers are tender and hurt.
like, when i kept trying to tell this story about the bizarro cartoon on last night, and people were so easily distracted to listen to some other total stranger talking about something else.
i stopped talking. no one noticed.
then later i was trying to tell a story about something else that was way funnier (but which ive just forgotten the topic of) and again after i started telling it people were distracted and started talking about something else.
again, i stopped talking. again, no one noticed.
maybe what people were talking about the second time was how new girl should go with them on a trip. and how maybe, if she were lucky, they'd let LOM go too. i was the only other person at the table at that moment, and no one was engaging with me at all. i was completely invisible. it was the weirdest thing. its like i could feel myself become transparent. when i noticed my own transparency, i got up and left. i said goodbye to LOM and the lovely hostesses and other than them, no one noticed i was gone.
i know im seeing with funny carnival glasses right now. and i know that im extra sensitive. but that doesnt make it less painful... in fact, thats exactly why it hurts. ha!
enough. ive got to wipe my tears and move stuff out of the living room and into my room before my scary roommate or her equally scary boyfriend hacks me into pieces for having my stuff out there too long. im sure it would make a good entry if i felt like talking about it.
loyal frisbee
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22