i feel like ive lost my foundation
its a new thought and im just now processing it
when we lived together i had a foundation
now, i do not
so, im not sure if it was the condo, or you, or meowhead or what exactly
maybe everything
but i had stability
and knew who i was
and what i wanted
and where i was going
and now i no longer feel that way
in some ways i still know
like, i know my life purpose is coaching and painting and writing
so, that is the same
but its not my foundation
those things are like clouds that are floating in the sky and that i reach up to and can touch and pull down when i want to use them
like books on a shelf
but, me
im floating
there is nothing grounding me
my foundation
its gone
i think a foundation is lots of things all at once
like the foundation of a house
its not just made of one thing
there is dirt and rock and earth that support the foundation
then there are metal bars entwined and embedded inside the concrete, and beams jutting out to provide structure
when you have a foundation you know that you are safe because even if there were an earthquake or flood or tornado your foundation would still be there. it would hold together. and that makes all of the possible storms and disasters just little obstacles that will pass.
when you dont have a foundation its like you are that cartoon person in the cold commercials where your head is a balloon and it floats above your body.
a lot of people have families that act as their foundation. people they know will always be there and they can go back to them whenever they need to.
some people dont have this.
like me.
i mean, i have family. i was created and birthed and mostly raised.
but largely ive grown up on my own. not relying on other people so much because other people generally cant be counted on.
this means im in charge of my own foundation. but the problem is, that as i try to create my own foundation or "family," sometimes the people i choose are either forced or choose to leave my life.
its hard to have a foundation if the parts of the foundation are constantly leaving.
i mean, if your concrete's girlfriend says he isn't allowed to talk to you ever again, how can he still be your concrete? he can't. thus you have no concrete and your house falls apart at the slightest sign of wind or rain.
and if it turns out your new concrete hates you b/c you dont want to marry her/him, well, then s/he up and walks off too... leaving you once again without concrete.
and sometimes concrete doesnt want to become rebar or pillars... sometimes it wants to remain concrete. so when you ask it if it would mind becoming rebar instead, it gets pissed and decides to extricate itself from your foundation.
in this world we are so transitory and so lacking in ability to commit to meaningful friendships and build "alternative families" that it becomes impossible for people like me to build a foundation.
its sad too b/c i often am willing to be the concrete or rebar in other people's foundation. but sometimes they think they only need one kind of material for their foundation and that the other material will be jealous.
but i want to live in a beautiful city with lots of condos and where my friends and i can all be part of each others foundations. sure we might move or add-on to our place. everyone needs more enforcement as they go along. but if we're all quality materials, we could support each other forever... allowing each other to change and grow.
i think its a beautiful model.
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22