its been a couple weeks but i finally dreampt of stupid-fucking-piece-of-shit-asshole (sfposa) the other day. im amazed that giving myself permission to hate him actually quelled the nightmares.
the two dreams i had about him weren't nightmares at all. they werent exactly pictures of happiness, but they definitely weren't my typical dreams about him.
the most memorable was...
BEGIN DREAM
im in boston, go figure, and a few folks from my family are visiting me - including mom and sfposa.
we decide to stop in and get some grub at a cool pizza joint on the corner (sadly it doesnt exist in real life). the place is jam packed but since there are two sides, we decide to split up and see if one side will get us seated faster than the other.
mom and another person go in one entrance to see if they can get seating. for some insanely irrational idea me and sfposa go in the other side together. TOGETHER.
i leave him standing there and exit back to the side where my mom waits. we all decide its too crowded and we should try another place. (duh).
we exit and are outside.
i think about sfposa alone inside someplace waiting for all of us.
i notice an uncomfortable guilt... the kind you feel when you are ditching someone who no one likes just b/c they are a "nerd" or something and know you shouldnt.
i tell my mom and others to wait there and go back in to find him, bringing him out to reconviene with the rest of us.
i feel better. i feel kind. i feel a sense of forgiveness toward myself.
END DREAM
the other dream was similar in that sfposa was there but was not holding the usual role he holds in my dreams. he was not obstructing my ability to reach, contact, save, or be with my mom.
he was simply there.
simply being non-obstructive, non-destructive, non-threatening, non-asshole-like, and non-creepy.
simply part of the every day goings on, but in no way making my dream into a nightmare.
i believe that granting myself permission to hate him has started me on that long journey of forgiveness.
thanks be to me, and also with me.
the radiator hissing
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22