when a person isnt allowed to feel the negative feelings they actually feel, how can they possibly move past it?
according to 20 years of my own personal experience... they cant.
for example, i have found that when i feel pressure (self-imposed or not) to paint or write i spend a lot of time not painting or writing and a lot of time feeling bad about it. when i give myself permission NOT to paint or write, then the pressure amazingly disappears and all of a sudden i find myself painting and writing again.
so, as a winter holiday gift, i have decided to give myself a whopper.
no silly goose, not a burger king whopper.
through amazing spontaneous conversations with DB, ive recognized that since the age of eight, i was never allowed to hate one particular person who has caused so much misery for me and my mom.
this is the person in this world who i cant stand more than any other human being ever - even more than GW (who comes in a close second).
growing up i was told that i had to be nice and that i hurt this person's feelings by not liking them. and i was scolded and even kicked out of my home for expressing my great disdain for them.
i felt guilty for having so much anger and hatred for this person. this person who abused my mom and i for over a decade.
i have spent nearly two decades trying to heal and let the anger and hatred go so i could move on with my healthy life. but how is that possible when ive never been allowed to fully accept this anger and hatred?
how can i let go of something ive never been allowed to have anyway?
first i must accept these feelings, make them legitimate. then i can move forward with compassion and forgiveness.
i now grant myself permission to hate your ugly gross nasty putrid evil stupid guts.
i also give myself permission not to feel bad or guilty for hating you.
i accept my anger and hatred, and in a most healthy way i embrace it as natural and appropriate and real.
it is okay to hate you, you stupid fucking piece of shit asshole. i hate you with every fiber of my being and have at times wished you dead.
you are the epitome of the pigheaded caveman which treats women and children like property and trophies. and this is not only unacceptable but its completely fucked up.
i hate how you treated my mother and how you now treat your own children, you mentally and emotionally abusive bastard. i hate you for this.
and i hate how you are still invited to holidays with my family. because it pains me to see your fat ugly face and hear your lying disgusting voice.
you make me shudder with disgust. you honestly make me physically ill.
i hate everything about you.
hate hate hate.
tori amos - silent all these years
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22