for the "happy" thanksgiving entry, click here. and for the "holidays suck" entry, keep reading.
the holidays, including turkey day, have almost always been rough for me. my dad was almost never around, although sometimes he came to visit us on the other side of the mountains (E.WA), and that was nice.
when we moved back to the other side of the mountains (W.WA), i had to do a crap load of back and forth from house to house for dinners and such. id start at one house, someone would pick me up or drop me off at another house, then the same to get me back home.
once i became a teenager, i usually had 3 or more holiday dinners to make it to. mom's family, dad's family, and boyfriend or best friend's family.
mom's family usually involved everyone being drunk, but usually amusing - and of course the infamous sposa whom caused me unending anxiety, embarassment, and anger. dad's family usually involved everyone being a know-it-all about something or another and tons of football and napping. boyfriend's family usually involved a lot of bitching and whining about everything under the sun. best friend's family usually involved a nice meal, nice chatting and a generally nice feelers.
i always felt out of place - like i didnt really belong to a family at all. no one really wanted to claim me and it didnt seem to matter much to anyone if i was there or someplace else. everything felt so fake.
in college i stopped going home. home became wherever i lived, wherever my clothes and books and stuffed animals lived. i started sending post cards or holiday letters in time for the big turkey day, letting everyone know what i had been up to and how life was going.
the last time i was home for thanksgiving was right after id moved to boston. that was 5 years ago. since then ive either gone with a significant other to their family's gathering, or like last year, sat home alone and talked online.
now im nearly 30. yep, its getting close enough to start practicing claiming my new age. and im still going to other people's houses for the holidays. and its still just as stressful, if not more so.
its hard for me to be around other people's families - functional or not. i dont enjoy listening to the bantering, listening to the television, listening to so much critical talk and negativity. it kicks my ass.
im rather sensitive to other people's energy. there are only two ways ive found to protect myself - neither of them are particularly awesome. i either tense up to keep the negative energy out, or i find a quiet place to be alone and fall asleep.
tensing up sucks. i hate being the grump of thanksgiving. and its funny that i end up a grump when my chief complaint is other people being so negative and critical. but i can only take so freaking much negativity before i snap and start telling people "how it is" - meaning that i dont need someone looking for things about me to fix because im a grown up and have somehow made it through 30 years unsupervised just fine thankyouverymuch, that everyone has value and that you dont have to have been john hancock and have signed the declaration of independence to be considered a "famous relative", and that people already know all the obstacles they face in life and dont constantly need reminding.
i also hate being the asshole who cant stay in the room with the family and has to escape to the spare room to read, nap, cry and be in silence. i think its offensive.
with that said... i also know i have to take care of myself the best way i can at any given moment. and when i cant escape, i have to fight back or gouge my own eyes out. when i can escape, i must.
what i cant figure out is why the hell i keep going to these damn holiday meals thinking things might be different or better?
optimism? masochism? im not sure which.
i just feel like this vacation time is wasted when i go places and am with people who do not support my vision, my energy, my way of living. i feel drained and beaten and exhausted and like there is a whole lot of work to do to get back to a positive place.
i feel like i could better serve myself by staying home - even if its alone. but how do i negotiate the guilt of non-participation? people are disappointed when i dont come to dinner. they think i dont like them or their home or putyourownnounhere. and how do i justify feeling shitty alone? i hate being alone on holidays while everyone else is together and "having fun". but are they having fun? is ANYONE out there actually having fun?
maybe. but i feel like id have to be in a room full of life coaches or buddhists to have a nice time.
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22