things have been weird. now their bordering on surreal. its possible im losing all sense of reality, or maybe im in a relationship.
all this shit is coming up for me around some old stuff. some relationship related, some abuse related, some just plain old shitty-life related. all of a sudden i feel so unsafe.
im feeling confused, angry, hurt, confused, violated, helpless, confused, unsafe and did i mention confused?
i feel like im reliving my early 20s... not one of my favorite times, although far better than my teens. but id prefer not to relive any of my life. im not big on pain and suffering.
ive been through so much and ive worked so hard to resolve a great deal of my issues. ive worked so hard to create a happy and healthy life - to be safe. and im feeling sirens and alarms going off and screetching "something isnt right! something is very not right!!!"
i feel so incredibly vulnerable right now. its not something i allow myself to be very often. and now, im feeling under attack from all sides. im feeling a bit in over my head. but i cant really identify anything. its an emotional vertigo.
i want to go away. mexico, come save me. come save me, mexico.
when i was really really little i remember being terrified of men. i remember feeling so unsafe and fearful. i remember whenever i was left alone with an adult male (except buddy or my dad) i would panic and plan an escape route in case they tried to touch me. i would imagine opening the car door or jumping out a window.
today i was actually with a bunch of guys, one of which thought it was really fckg funny to make a joke about raping children. i cant even tell you what this did to me. lets just say ive been shakey and crying off and on since. not to mention having something akin to flashbacks.
its not just that. there are other things that have come up in the last few weeks. its like im having "bad relationship" flashbacks (although in all honesty im in an amazingly great relationship right now). i cant help but wonder if its b/c i recently made myself incredibly vulnerable a few weeks ago and it seems like ever since things have just not been quite right. its surreal. its confusing.
i want to run. i want to run far away. i want to be completely alone and start over someplace else where no one knows me and i can just be okay again.
mirah - cold cold water
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22