it was your birthday yesterday. i think i was able to forget about it for all of 15 minutes.
but here it is, the next day, and im still thinking about it... and you.
im exhausted. i dreampt about you. this actually happens often. too often.
i think its b/c we aren't "allowed" to talk to each other. which, frankly, is bullshit.
***
the dream? the usual.
we're at your moms house, where you and your brother are living. so, maybe we're still in high school. we're in your bedroom, lying together. there is a feeling of distance, like we havent seen in each other in forever.
we have sex. which we often do in these dreams. only, its not some great amazing "thank god we're together" sex. more like we're grieving. which is usually how these dreams feel... grief and loss.
its usually very sad because in the dreams i miss you so incredibly much. but not in a "im in love with you and want you back" way.
you're empty, not there. which in real life was true, i guess. and im always worried your mom will know im there and freak out. and i want to avoid your brother b/c he's such an ass.
inevitably i run into both of them somewhere in the house. and im either needing to use the bathroom or looking for food. lol. typical me, dreaming im hungry. oddly, your mom doesnt notice me there. your brother, however, insists on following me around and being in my business.
in this dream, you had this growth on the back of your head. in real life, it makes me wonder if you're okay b/c i remember you always had cluster headaches.
***
back to real life.
you should know that im very happy and living really well. last time we talked you were also doing really well. this pleases me, and i hope you're still enjoying life and your new house and your lady friend. i hope you treat her well and that she treats you well too.
i didnt send a birthday card because you stopped sending birthday cards. and honestly, i didnt want to do more for you than you for me. which, frankly, is stupid. i dont want you to feel bad that you didnt acknowledge my birthday or feel good that i still remember yours.
but its 13 years ive known your birthday. you were my family and really all that i had. so, you can imagine why i would still have some grief. its like you died, only you didnt. you're still alive. we just have to pretend you're dead. except we had agreed that we'd still talk and be friends and share our lives in a friendship way.
i wonder if you are married. or maybe have a baby. and if im over here, not knowing. and if i would ever know. or if it will be another 10 years before i hear that someone ran into you and your wife and children at a game.
i want you to know that i only wish you the best. although i admit im still annoyed about the cigar and gun... they just weren't good gifts. it might actually be nice to hear you say "yeah, they were shitty gifts, im sorry." which is why i wish we could still talk to each other. so we oculd both uncover our hurts and heal. im sure you still have some wounds inflicted by me. and i just happen to have grown up enough to be able to say "yeah, i did that, it was fckd up and im so sorry." because sometimes, all we need to heal is a genuine "sorry."
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22