hmm... this whole putting stuff away thing is overrrated.
i dont want my stuff put away. i want it all over.
when its put away it feels like im not supposed to use it, it has to stay in its place so that everything is nice and tidy.
KL says:
"you are just supposed to put things back when you are done. er.. yeah. do you feel like whatever you cannot see in your life, you can not use? is that the real issue? a sense of immediate need."
sometimes i wonder why she is writing programs instead of providing crazy people with therapy. i mean, sure, programs are important for the world to function, but so are crazy people. wait... thats not...
anyway, it seems like if things are put away, i cant see them... and if i cant see them, maybe they arent there. no, they are there... but maybe i will forget they are there and forget to use them.
like, if my paints are put away, how will i feel like i can just start painting? there will be all this gathering of stuff and preparing that has to happen before i can actually get started. the thought of gathering and preparing could prevent me from even attempting to gather or prepare, which, with stuff put away, is essential for me to start painting.
KL says:
"but, what i'm sensing is that you are holding yourself back, creatively.. you are boxing yourself in by focusing on needing materials, gathering stuff before you can start creating, and that is the problem. you must remember you can create at any time, that isn't about materials... it is about effort."
but it is about materials! if there are no materials i cant paint. and when the materials are put away it feels as if there are none. or they have to be obtained. and that feels like work, not like fun. and i only want to have fun, not work.
i need more time to think about this. maybe even some time to try out the whole "stuff being put away" thing.
now i know why db keeps his room so messy. b/c he's insane, like me.
rattling of some kind, outside? in the basement? upstairs? idk
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22