so, if you are ever on paxil for 6 or 7 years and decide (albeit over 3 or 4 years) that its time to go off, and take 2 months to taper yourself down to nothing... id suggest planning to take a month or so off life BEFORE you get to zero mgs.
somehow i figured, "hey, ive been going off paxil for a couple months now and really the side effects of having paxil in my system at all (headaches, irritability, anger, etc) is really much more obnoxious than i can handle, and since im pretty damn close to being done, lets just finish 'er up and stop already."
and really, thats fine. the problem isnt that i finally stopped taking it. i mean, at 2.5mgs of the stuff, it really wasnt doing much but pissing me off anyway. 2.5mgs is nearly nothing. its like trying to taper yourself off milk when you drink a glass of the stuff a day, and finally you are down to a sip a day and say "jesus, im down to a sip a day, it takes more effort to pour a sip, drink it and wash out the glass than to just stop. why not just stop already?" it makes perfect sense.
the real problem lies in what else is going on in life. such as... life.
so, my next thoughts are "hey, the withdrawl symptoms havent been so bad during the tapering and they usually just last a few days or so before its all stable again. so, its not like i cant handle it and life at the same time. ive been doing great!" and i stopped. i finished. no more paxil. and god damn it if i wasnt tricked by wee leprechauns into decending into complete madness.
what im trying to say here is that im a mess. im a freaking mess. if anyone out there has ever had anything resembling pms - the part where you dont feel all that well and you cry at cheezy comercials... well, you're freaking lucky if thats been the jist of it. b/c im a living nightmare.
let me give some lovely details.
first of all, ive got a case of fatigue that would make Chronic Fatigue sufferers feel and look like the most productive, energetic freaks in history. breathing is nearly too laborous, and its something our bodies actually do without much effort on our part. for me, it takes so much effort just to breathe that ive considered calling it quits. also, getting out of bed in the morning is a mountainous task. eating, fahghettaboutit. showers, only because im a germaphobe and desperately fear smelling bad.
the nausea is hell. i cant eat, drink water, leave the house or ride in moving vehicles without feeling like hurling. and of course, if i start feeling nauseous, the hot flashes are only just miliseconds away. see, they are pals, nausea and hot flashes. they hang together on the block. so, every time i feel my stomach turn i also get a surge of heat through my body and start sweating like a runner in the boston marathon on a balmy 80 degree day. it only makes it worse that its 50 degrees here right now and im wearing 15 layers, b/c then i have to expend the extra energy to peel layers off. extra energy? no, i dont have extra energy - i dont even have the minimum energy required to exist, thus its quite fckg painful to have to use every ounce of energy left once i make it on the damn bus to get my jacket off, and my sweatshirt, just so i can continue sweating and trying not to vomit for the next 30 minutes of the ride.
speaking of sweating... i sweat horrendously in the night and wake up freezing and roasting all at once. its rather disconcerning. am i hot or am i cold? i dont know!
and as if im not waking up enough on my own to manually regulate my temperature throughout the night, the calling out in my sleep and tossing / turning from my nightmares have had poor db waking me several times a night too. not only am i having hellish nightmares, but while awake, im paranoid, scared shitless of nothing in particular, and bawling my eyes out at even the blandest of life's events. in fact, ive got a beautiful example.
i managed (due to the overwhelming sense of guilt over wasting time and money) to make it to ceramics last thursday and was going to do some glazing. i put several pieces onto some newspaper, needing to minimize clean up, and my instructor proceeded to tell me that we dont line the table with newspaper any more b/c the glaze will dry on the newspaper and when we throw the paper out the glaze breaks up, becomes airborne dust and we breathe in all the horrible minerals and such. seem reasonable enough? i just looked at him while tears welled up in my little eyes and said "but, i dont want to wipe the table down." and although he cant have known why i would be so upset about using a sponge to wipe down a table after getting it dirty (nor could i, really), i would like to say it WAS an asshole thing to reply to me by saying "well, ceramics might not be your thing then."
as you would have to imagine necessary, db has been incredibly supportive and understanding through all of this. really, a person would have to BE a miracle to put up with this kind of insanity for this long. i mean, i start choking up while reading publisher's descriptions of books on amazon.com for christ's sake. so, db... db is my beautiful miracle.
oh right... what does any of this have to do with life and planning ahead? well, a while back, i volunteered to go to san diego to help support part one of a life coach training (the training that i participated in 2 years ago, exactly, to become a life coach myself)... and, well, um... im flying out at 5am tomorrow morning for 8 days/nights. what in the hell was i thinking when i decided it would be okay to do my finally tapering to zero just under two weeks from such a commitment??????????????
perhaps you are thinking, "so? you seem fine now." id like to invite you to re-read what ive written above and remember that i am experiencing all of this right now, as i write. in fact, it was only moments ago that i stopped crying about not having enough hangers to hang my jacket up. how in the fck will i be able to support and inspire 18 other human beings for 8 days if i cant even breathe without crying about how damn exhausting it is to wipe after peeing? the amazing thing, is that today, i actually feel better. THIS is feeling better. THIS is what BETTER feels like.
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22