omg.
this evening DP listened to me talk for at least an hour. and then he did something no one else has been able to do for 4 years.
he articulated back to me everything i was thinking and feeling, and then asked me:
"do you see what is going on here?"
"what do you mean?" i asked.
"you are making excuses for her. you have been taken advantage of and manipulated. "
i didnt know what to say, so i said nothing while he continued...
"she gave you just enough to get you to do what she wanted and then sat back while you did the rest. she did this in bed, with the condo, with everything you've talked about tonight."
thats when the buts started... "but its my fault...", "but i should have...", "but i knew...".
"listen to yourself," he said. "nothing you did makes it okay for her to have done any of that to you."
"no, it doesnt."
"she knows what will hurt you, and she is taking every opportunity to do so. then she's telling you that you are imagining it."
after we hung up, i sat in silence for a while.
if this is true... if what DP says is true... not only does it mean that she is not who i thought she was, but it also means im not who i thought i was.
because i thought she was kind, giving, secure, generous, caring, loving, and trustworthy. i thought she was my best friend.
because i thought i loved myself.
i thought i was strong and had called her on much of the manipulation i saw.
i thought i resisted the manipulation.
i thought everyone would think i had taken advantage of her generousity.
i thought everyone would think i was bad mouthing her.
i thought it was all my fault and that if i just gave her more, she would forgive me.
omg. if he is right... then i have completely given up everything that was mine.
how did i not see this? how did i not see any of this? how did it all escape me unnoticed?
everyone kept asking me...
"you gave her everything?"
and i proudly replied "it was the right thing to do. and she was very kind and gave me a little money - so its not like i didnt get anything."
"how much money?" they asked.
and when i told them how much, there was silence and then "albygocougs, thats not very much."
and i would say, "oh, its plenty, i'll be okay. im going to continue living there and just pay the condo fee. so, it will all work out in the long run."
that was after i painted the place. before i was given 30 days to find a new home. before i was told that i wouldnt be taking the cat. before i stupidly and self-lessly gave up the furniture.
DP actually said "i hate to call you naive, but..."
when i look at the big picture, the 3 years leading up to this, and how every time i tried to talk about my needs she'd start crying and saying how horrible she was, and i would become the supportive and loving girlfriend - "no, no, thats not true. you're wonderful and i love you and you're so good to me."
sometimes i would offer that support but also tell her that i would not allow this emotional manipulation. but often it required me first coaxing her to stop crying and telling her how amazing and wonderful she was... then, maybe, just maybe we might get to talk about my needs. the whole reason i brought up the conversation.
eventually i just stopped bringing up the fact that i had needs. in fact, i chose to believe that my needs were inconsequential and that they werent actually needs at all... rather that they were unnecessary wants that were getting in the way of having a good relationship.
i was determined not to let my silly little needs stop this healthy and beautiful expression of love that we had. together, the perfect couple, we would beat the odds and be everything other couples aspired to be.
i was not honest with my friends. i would give them little glimpses of what was going on in the relationship, but i didnt want to sound like i was ungreatful or complaining.
i was not honest with my self. i saw a kind and beautiful woman who loved me and would promise me forever... even if it was a forever without physical satisfaction, spiritual connection, or true intimate sharing of dreams and goals.
i believed i could live without the physical. after all, we are all spirit in human form. the physical is merely a desire, not a necessity, right?
i believed i could find spiritual connection outside of our relationship and find emotional connection within spiritual connection.
ultimately, i decided that the physical, emotional and spiritual were crucial to my mental and physical health. when she cried, i felt guilty. i felt that these desires were somehow invalid and i that i was cruel for leaving her.
i told her i couldnt afford to keep our home alone, but that id rather her have it than let it go completely.
we decided we would remain best friends. we would continue to care for each other and be family.
she said i could stay as long as i didnt have sex with anyone. i agreed, not realizing how impossible this would be for me.
i craved companionship. i craved affection. i craved someone who could see the beauty within me. when CB learned that i gave her everything and kept nothing for myself, he lost all respect for me - it was evident in how our relationship changed.
CB saw my selflessness as the warning sign that i was willing to give everything in the world to someone who was willing to take it all without a second thought. he tried to tell me what she was doing but i was completely blind to it.
My mom, my aunt, my younger friends... everyone saw it. they all inquired, lightly, not wanting to rock the boat. and to all of them i made excuses why it was okay. they saw that i was a fool, and didn't push it further.
now i sit here thinking.
mystified.
blown away.
still asking myself "but, how could this be?" "how did i not see this?"
i trusted her. i trusted her more than i trusted any other person in my life. and i was completely manipulated, deceived and taken.
how could this be?
how did i not see this?
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22