im so fckg angry right now. that kind of angry that makes you cry. and anyone who knows me, knows im not a crier.
on one hand, its a nice change of pace. im usually so calm and collected, happy and peaceful. guess there's always a little room for some healthy anger.
im mostly angry at myself. i mean, who else is there to be angry with? i create my own reality and my own experiences. i make my own choices.
but i know that what i have to say will sound like im angry with someone other than myself. but i swear. its me. im angry with me for not doing a better job of self-care.
you're not sorry for not asking me to go. in fact, you asked me to watch the cat so you could go. obviously, it never occurred to you to ask me to go. although you may be my best friend, im not yours.
(gee, i sure love feeling like im in middle school.)
you think of me as your ex-gf. thats how you see me, thats how it is, and thats that. i was never your best friend, and will never be your best friend and this is merely a lesson for me about attachment.
im familiar with this process.
it just pisses me off that i love my friends so much. and that i am so fckg unconditionally loving, giving and supportive.
its great in theory. this loving others, loving the world, gushing love and peace thing. but sometimes it fckg feels like someone ripped my heart out and inserted a big block of salt. and maybe some battery acid for good measure (i dont actually know a whole lot about battery acid, but my assumption is that it would burn and hurt really really bad).
im such an asshole for thinking we could still be friends. and im a complete asshole for being too fcking nice...... and that includes being too fcking nice to you......
i supported you when you were down and lonely and worried no one would like you for who you are......
i wanted you to be happy and helped you keep and paint the condo, gave up the furniture, allowed you to keep the cat b/c she is your first ever pet and you said you would be so heartbroken to lose her......
essentially i gave up everything i helped create and kept nothing for myself except my clothing, books and art, in part because i wanted to minimize your pain.....
and now, looking back, i must have known that i would become nothing and no-one to you. everything i surrendered was just part of a subconscious effort to say "dont abandon me when this is done", an embarassingly pitiful effort to keep what i thought was my best friend.
but apparently i have no value to you any longer. i am no longer paying half the mortgage, feeding the cat, or preventing you from loneliness.
oh wait, except when you go on vacation with your new friends... then i feed the cat. and you even offer to pay me. how thoughtful.
ive merely become what we have always referred to as the "back-up" friend. the first person you call when you need someone to watch the cat, but the last person you call to hangout, unless there is absolutely nothing better to do and no one else available to spend time with.
i hope you dont try to make this about you having a new girlfriend. b/c thats not at all where im coming from. i like your new girl. she's cute and funny and seems like an awesome match for you. you seem happy, and that is all i wanted for you. but foolishly, i envisioned i might still be part of your life.
stupid me.
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22