i used to argue that a relationship with a woman was my ideal because i believed i could be more certain that when she said she loved me, the feeling of love she experienced would be similar enough to the feeling of love i experienced, and this would make it "good" and "real." love with a man, however, held no certainties because men are raised to think about emotions differently than women. thus, i believed when a man said "i love you" it may be an entirely different feeling or motivation than when a woman said "i love you".
apparently, it was important to me that whomever i was experiencing this connection with had the same feelings, experience and definitions of this intense and intimate thing called "love."
today it occurred to me that i experience vulnerability and safety differently with women and men... and in the most unusual way, its opposite from what i would expect...
for some unknown reason, there is a certain vulnerability that i feel with a woman that i do not feel with a man.
i can think of a couple of hypotheses, none of which are spectacularly convincing or flattering, but have served me during my lifetime nonetheless.
1. i have always been around boys, guys, men. i know how they behave, what they think, what they want - especially when it has to do with me (s-e-x). i know i can produce these things if i choose to.
2. ive been used and hurt by a lot more men than women. and i may have learned to emotinally detach from men to prevent further damage. i believe i still want and need an intimate and meaningful connection, and i experience great feelings of love with men. however, it is easy for me to let go of the relationship because my perspective of things being temporary allows that distance and detachment.
3. with men, i assume they will or wont like me, and which ever it is it doesnt matter because i know i am beautiful, intelligent, amusing, witty, sexy, sweet, kind, generous, talented, and all around magnificent. if they dont like me, there is clearly something wrong with them, or they prefer starving bimbos to women with substance.
when i consider women, on the other hand, i feel very vulnerable in these relationships. perhaps this is due to a lack of confidence and experience (although its not like i havent dated women). but quite honestly, they frighten me. i question if they actually like me, if im attractive to them, if i possess enough of whatever traits they find appealing. i know there are tons of other, hotter, lesbians out there for them to date and that some of them might just be better than me.
today there is no ideal - woman or man. regardless which gender i am faced with in an intimate relationship, there is no certainty of similarity in our meanings, definitions, and experiences of feelings and emotions. i cannot ever know if what we feel for each other is the same. i can only trust in what i feel and know to be true for me. and i must do what is right for me, keeping my own well-being and life purpose in mind while navigating this sea of life and love. if i remain true to myself, my values and my life purpose than i will always experience joy an love within. i will always enjoy the time i have with the people i let in my life, even if it is only temporary.
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22