i dont want to do this anymore.
i cant breathe and it hurts and there isnt enough air, and im the kind of girl who needs a lot of air in big amounts all at once.
i can only lay on my back because it hurts inside if i try the front or left or right. so, its just my back and its too cold that way, plus i like variety.
and its scary. i cant catch my breath and what if my lungs get smaller and smaller until there is only a teaspoon of breath to catch and i catch it but its not enough so i die!
and when i lay in bed on my back with the covers over my head to stay warm, there are three nice old black women all squished together and they pat my hand and smile and i talk to them and tell them im scared and they nod and i tell them i know i wont die and they smile and nod and i thank them for taking care of me. and i try to relax and slow my breathing but that just makes it worse, so i try not to do anything and just breathe however it is im gonna.
and i thought i was getting better but this doesnt feel better at all, just different. i think i have a fever again and it hurts to eat but my throat is a little better sometimes, except when its dry which is all the time due to trying to breathe.
and there are germs everywhere! i cant stand to be here in this germy apartment. its so fucking gross and nothing comes off even when i scrub. no wonder i got the death flu.
when i woke up i was going to eat, but i didnt want to touch anything. so, i put on my disposable non-powdered non-latex plasticish gloves (usually used for crafting and sealing paintings) and used disinfectant wipes on all the doors and door handles and light switches and faucet nobs and cabinet doors and everything else i ever touch in this place. i did this when i moved in too, but you'd never know it. some of this shit couldnt be burned off.
i dont want to be sick any more. i dont like it and its not fun and it hurts and its scary. im supposed to be "watching out" for pneumonia this week, since the flu part mainly seems to be ending, unless its not! JFC i dont even know where im at in this fucking illness. am at the beginning??? the middle??? the end??? i was pretty sure it was done last sunday but it kept right on going!
i cant work, i cant socialize, i cant really do any kind of activities like reading or watching movies, i cant eat, i cant breathe, and i cant sleep. im trapped in HELL. and not just any hell.
my hell is pre-heated, twice baked, reheated, over-cooked, froze, dethawed, froze again with freezer burn, boiled, broiled, creamed, mashed, chopped, sliced, diced, puried, recycled, and served all three meals every damn day.
i want my mommy!
my fucking laboured breathing you stupid fuckhead
previously:
weather or not - 2006-03-07
My Flight - 2006-03-02
poetree in motion - 2006-02-28
ultimate personality test - 2006-02-25
limerick e-trip - 2006-02-22